i spent the whole weekend accomplishing nothing i had planned. i claim utter defeat. i believe that this runs in the family.

a clear head, and a new start are needed. shed the failures of yesterday to bring on a stronger today.

i guess i'm mostly lost over the whole ex-fiancee thing. she keeps telling me when i'm about to cut off dealing with her completely that she loves me, and doesn't see her with anyone else. so we agree to test the waters again. i just don't know what i should expect from a situation like this. how should i expect to be treated? what is tolerable? should i even bother? little things she says send out red flags in my head. things like 'i'm not looking for a relationship right now'. to me, that sounds like this ship has departed. i'm tired of being the one that bends over in this relationship. parts of me believe that we had something special, but when the red flags go up, i tend to think otherwise. i start feeling used.

i guess the whole idea of having to live with her until june is really weighing this whole thing down. to me, i think she is just trying to save the friendship so she doesn't have to live alone with my buddy. actually all the moves point to that. and i keep putting myself into checkmate everytime i go through this.

i've finally found a friend that has the same interests as i do musically. i just have a hard time seeing what a two guitar band can produce. my drum skills are severely lacking. i do have a drum synth though. that could be our savior.

i wouldn't mind making a profession out of my true love, but i'm so close to getting to my second dream... i hope the clouds part in my favor.