i wish i could've met people at different points of my life. it's amazing how much of an impact that would have on everything.

thinking about it, my life would be completely different. even if it were altered a year or two. huge impact.

but then i wouldn't be who i am today. i can't say that i am proud, but at least i won't wollow away in what could have been.

i would have liked to meet her when she was older.

the box must empty

after awhile, maturity just seems to set in. just tired of playing all the immature games, tired of the selfishness. all that is real is what is in my touch. all one can touch are inanimate. love to be able to touch another's thought, but the arms don't reach that way.

daily reminder of how shit short life is. to think the better part of a quarter of life is now wasted. at least all the thoughts have left it here.

think it's time to ink up and forget.

feelings are dying, care is dying. machine like. input, process, output. feedback. too tired to fight for anything. dreams are what death left behind, as a trail to the end.

look at life through a lens of a backwards clock.

international lifeline. say hello to the new, and wave goodbye to the old. fades away like a decayed flower. beautifully sad.

once fulfilled, now an empty shell.

thank you

i spent the whole weekend accomplishing nothing i had planned. i claim utter defeat. i believe that this runs in the family.

a clear head, and a new start are needed. shed the failures of yesterday to bring on a stronger today.

i guess i'm mostly lost over the whole ex-fiancee thing. she keeps telling me when i'm about to cut off dealing with her completely that she loves me, and doesn't see her with anyone else. so we agree to test the waters again. i just don't know what i should expect from a situation like this. how should i expect to be treated? what is tolerable? should i even bother? little things she says send out red flags in my head. things like 'i'm not looking for a relationship right now'. to me, that sounds like this ship has departed. i'm tired of being the one that bends over in this relationship. parts of me believe that we had something special, but when the red flags go up, i tend to think otherwise. i start feeling used.

i guess the whole idea of having to live with her until june is really weighing this whole thing down. to me, i think she is just trying to save the friendship so she doesn't have to live alone with my buddy. actually all the moves point to that. and i keep putting myself into checkmate everytime i go through this.

i've finally found a friend that has the same interests as i do musically. i just have a hard time seeing what a two guitar band can produce. my drum skills are severely lacking. i do have a drum synth though. that could be our savior.

i wouldn't mind making a profession out of my true love, but i'm so close to getting to my second dream... i hope the clouds part in my favor.

procrastination

I finally got tired of putting this off. Life just seems to be on a roller coaster that is aimed toward hell, so I'll just put it all off.

I guess the first thing one has to do is state why they have a blog, or who they are.

This is a blog so I can determine what I am thinking. I'm the type of guy that goes through the day thinking of a million and one things, and never takes note of one of them. My short-term memory is for shit.

I'm 22, and going for a Mechanical Engineering degree. Almost there, going to take me 6 years to get it. I absolutely love music. I've got a hard time finding people that have the similar taste of music. Plus, engineering doesn't allow much free time to play.

Wisconsin sucks as much as anyone would think it would. The whole state is full of drunks and people going nowhere interesting. People feed off of the Packers, and whatever happens to be on TV.

I guess the main reason why I write a blog is to say that I am changing from being one of those people going nowhere. I need to start thinking instead of zoning out in the TV or anything un-constructive.

In the past 4 months I've lost my fiancee and my grandmother died. It is almost as if I pressed the reset button on my life.

I'm at ground zero, and I'm pulling what's left of me back together again.